There was a time when my anxiety was the lowest. I was so distracted with life… I forgot my anxiety. Trust me now I look back now and I think how did I get so caught up in something that I forgot? This girl who when her heart started beating fast it was something that thrilled her, instead of immediately controlling my breathing and finding my happy place. I let the thoughts wander on their own because they were finding all the good things. I want it to be clear I wasn’t travelling or living some high “Instagram” life, I just found something that exhilarated me. There’s no “thing” that stops anxiety. But that rush that I felt had me completely caught up in living. Had me feeling the right things. This is a place I visit in my head when I’m feeling like I’m backpedalling with my mental health – there’s a quote about living a couple things twice and this moment in time is one of those moments. I like to go back and visit in my head probably more times than I care to admit. Feels like listening to the rain pour down on the roof, snuggled in bed, knowing you have nowhere to go. This memory has been bitter sweet lately. I’ve had plenty of these moments, but my anxiety has been at its highest in a while. So I’m just trying to find a new happy place.
I love water. I was raised where you could choose whether to walk to the front beach or the back beach. There’s something about being in and near water that just calms me. This is my calm. I’ve driven to the beach, just to sit. I’ve ran a shower just to have it run over me until it went cold. I’ve parented my children from a bath, because I just couldn’t leave. It meant I coped though.. in moments where I didn’t think it could be possible to cope with what I was dealing with, but I did. So I took the day. I can’t stress how important it is just to take the day when you need it. Everything will continue without you, it just will. So I went to the beach, I felt the sun on my skin and the sand up my ass. I breathed in the salt air and ran through the crashing waves, and I felt calm. And the fact that I felt that calm will give me something to breath into next time I feel like I’m drowning in my own body.