Shower Thoughts

There’s something that pushes my thoughts internally when I’m in water and I find it’s where I do most of my life contemplating. I just watched an episode of the bold type, which I’m loving, because I need strong female empowerment in my life. If you don’t like your drama dunked in girl power, it’s not for you. Regardless in this episode one character went travelling, one found love and one got a new job and it captured this thought I have, this drive for not even necessarily happiness.. but that rush, that high. This societal pressure for more, own more, have more, do more. I see this in myself, I get very bored, I job hop, I want to travel the world, I crave something else, different, new, exciting, but I have no idea what it is that will fulfil my drive and that’s a scary thought to not know enough, to not feel content in the now. I try to be a very mindful and present person, but I know when I get anxious my mind goes straight to the one thing that gives me an instant rush. That state of fiction in my head is great in the moment, and imagination is so incredible, but I strongly believe as long as there’s healthy critical thinking (for mental health reasons, in your internal world play). I’m thinking very critically about this need for external and instant gratification that’s so strong in my generation. Don’t misunderstand, adventure and self discovery are two things I aim to achieve in myself. And honestly I don’t have an answer for this, but what are we chasing, are we even happy when we get there? Or is it just the next thing will be the thing. I bought a new car today, level of excitement, low, something I could have taken joy in and didn’t. This could partially be because I was a insane mess this weekend, or maybe it’s just because once I’ve made up my mind that’s kind of it. I’m just predictable to myself now. It was just something I needed. As someone who feels everything when they should feel minimal. This was a different experience. But my main concern is I’m restless, I felt restless buying a car… and society tells us to travel, get a new job or direction in life or find love. I just feel like we are seeking something externally to something we’re missing internally. But what? 

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