Self worth

“You have the perfect figure” she said as I screwed up my nose. I tried politely to smile while dismissing her comment. “I’m tall” I say “I’m just stretched out”.  I feel her eyes on me. “Do you work out everyday?” 

And then my head spins… 

I definitely don’t, I should… should I say I do… would that make her feel better? Or am I setting unattainable goals? Who works out everyday? If I worked out everyday maybe I would actually be skinny. She’s waiting… ummm… 

“No” I reply “Just genetics” 

“You’re very lucky” She says 

My eyes dart to the ground. I feel every part of me feeling incredibly uncomfortable. What’s an appropriate response to a compliment? I just laugh uncomfortably. My hearts racing. I feel clammy. I step into the elevator and eye myself off in the mirror. Honestly what is it she sees? That I just don’t. When I look, I see my insecurities. I cringe. I should workout everyday. Maybe then I’ll feel better, but I know won’t. 

This isn’t about having a perfect body. I’ve contemplated many times getting plastic surgery improvements. But I know it’s not going to fix the way I feel about myself. I remember the first time I had to get a spray tan for a show, it meant I had to get naked. I was about 14. I cried. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin the thought of being naked in front of someone else terrified me. And I’ve never lost that. Although I eat at my dinning table naked now a days. If there was someone new I’d feel insanely vulnerable. It takes someone genuine to make me feel at ease. 

I try so hard to work on self love. Loving myself and my body the way I am. I think on the surface, it would appear to most people I do love myself.  Fake it, until you become it I guess. I got very good at the faking. But honestly that 14year old girl is still there. Sitting with a stack of magazines from when I was young. These girls who defined beauty looking back me. That didn’t look like me. And now girls and women have endless feeds of perfection. These posts that all look the same. All these women who have followed the same trend to meet these expectations of beauty. It terrifies me what my daughter will have access to. 

I don’t really know why 14year old me is so hurt.  But, I’m trying to be kind to myself. Not compare myself to others. Allow myself to talk myself up – in a society that will deem you narcissistic. I’m trying to work on being grateful and positive mindset. A big part of what I can change for myself has been my social media feed. And finding something that makes me feel valued so I have less time and energy to worry about not being good enough.