Am I the villain in your Story?

I reflect, A LOT. I find it difficult to be analytical when I’m in a situation, especially of my own behaviour. So I often will think about interactions after they’ve happened, some more than others naturally. Interactions where I don’t understand the other persons behaviour especially so. The other day during a reflection of probably more a collection of events than just one situation. Something I’ve reflected on so many times, something my head just goes to… to stop myself from something usually.  I realised that I wasn’t entirely the victim that I had previously held in my head. It was the first time that I could see that my behaviour was selfish. It was a difficult realisation for me because I hadn’t previously realised I was wanting something of someone that I could not reciprocate, but I got upset when they didn’t want that. Further reflecting on that, that behaviour could have had negative impacts on another person, which is something that goes against the type of person I strive to be. It’s definitely difficult to be genuinely critical of oneself but it has made me more aware of their behaviour too, which is definitely a positive for me as I understand it more now. Probably not fully, or even close to what actually went through their head, but more than before. I also feel as though I’ve grown as a person, to be able to see my behaviour differently. Understanding that I was behaving selfishly has also helped me realise that in this situation what I want is probably not best for another person – my self-control regarding this behaviour is another issue entirely.

It has also re-sparked a thirst in me to understand how other people see and their memories of events I have in my head. And by now I assume you know my answer to the common question, if you could have one super power what would it be? To read minds. Just for a short period of time. I’m not strong enough of person to know exactly what people think of me, I’ll grow, slowly and gently though.

On Overthinking

In life I’m a mess, in my head however everything is organised. My head likes things to follow rules. Especially social etiquette rules. I’m much more confident in social situations if I know I’m following the social norms. This morning my head was organised. I was going to get off the bus I was on and the next bus would be the 156. I checked and I was going to miss one the 162, but the 156 was only a minute away so not a big deal. However, when I got off the bus the 162 was still there and people were still getting on it… and I too could have also got on that bus, but I already had in my head that I was going to get on the 156 so I just stood there and waited for the 156. Once I have an idea in my head of the way something is going to happen it’s really difficult for me to adjust when something else happens. I get really annoyed when people don’t follow the script I prepared for them in my head. And I think about everything! So it’s really hard for me not to construct a pre-thought of something before it happens. There are very few people I cannot predict behaviour/responses from and understanding people is what keeps my head happy. My head appreciates consistency and anything else drives me insane, my head dislikes this, I on the other hand love it. When my head starts to spin out I do have a strategy that works for me. I zone out into my head, and in my head I keep archived thoughts, like a point in a memory or a thought that I start at and just explore in my head. Some are loosely based off memories and I’ll have a specific part of that memory that I revisit in my head, sometimes I just let it play through and other times I play it out in my head a different way… the way I wanted it to end. Sometimes it’s just a person, it’s amazing how just someones name can make you feel like you’ve slipped between freshly washed sheets in a properly made bed. Like home. Warm fuzzy feelings. I prefer to have happy places over people though, places don’t leave you.